Disclaimer: The X-Files and its characters are exclusive property
of C. Carter, 1013and FOX. No infringement
intended, ever.
Spoilers: Sein Und Zeit
By: Susan Littlejohn
"Do--n't--Mulder! Stop--please, stop. That won't--"
My hand, as though endowed with
a mind of its own,
thrusts out to grab his left arm
engaged, as is his
right, in the violent shaking of
his work table.
He ignores my gentle plea, and
though his rage
startles me, frightens me a
little, and only for a
moment, I step in closer. If he should clutch my
arms on either side in his
maddened grip, and does
the same with me, will I allow
him this cathartic
release?
As I tenuously gaze upon him,
and more of his personal
effects find a place on the
floor, my eyes threaten to
overflow with hot tears. I give a tacit nod. For
you, I will, my dearest, wounded
heart. For you, my mind,
my heart, my soul. As you have given me yours, oh so
many times. Risked your very life.
He picks up the phone with
intent to hurl it through
the window haunting his
eyes. "She can't be dead!
She needed to tell me what I
need to know, Scully!
Now--I'm all alone." He breaks, letting the phone
drop. His hand sails to his face, and deep, racking
sobs snuff out his words, but
not his anger as he
kicks at the table now.
"Mulder, come here," I
beckon, the invitation swaddled
in need. Yes.
My need. The need to embrace the
pain; the vital act performed
together. As we are meant to,
and meant to be.
His violence stops, and he
swings around to gape at
me, looking found out, as though
he's forgotten I'm
here. With outstretched palms, and open arms, I coax
him further, despite his look of
ingrained
uncertainty. And...dread.
"Yes, Mulder, come to me...please..."
The instant he is filling my
arms, and I, his, we
crumple to the floor like
weathered bridge supports
who've withstood far too many
climatic onslaughts.
"It will be all right,
Mulder. It will."
"I don't
kno--Scully...don't go." He clutches
me,
struggling. My own breaths sound as choked as his.
Sounding drained, but determined
at the same time,
he compels, "Please, don't
leave me."
"I'm not going
anywhere." His heart-kneading plea
dredges up every last vestige of
feeling I've ever
felt for him. I kiss the shell of his perspired ear,
and feel him tremble. The arms around my waist
tighten. I stroke his damp scalp, breathing in the
sweet, musky smell of this all
but spent man, and,
gradually, his tenseness
slakens.
"Stay with me tonight,
Scully? If you leave me alone,
there's no telling what I'm
liable to do. Not
myself," he sounds as
though he's whimpering into my lap; into
my very being, "not
myself... I'm all alone now. All
alone." His shaking renews in earnest once more, and
I mold myself to his spasmodic
body.
"For tonight, and for as
long as you need me," I press
into that same ear. "Apart, we're alone. Together,
it will never come to
that." I hear his breathing
even out, and mine obediently
follows suit. "Trust me..."
"That's my new
religion. Keeping yours..."
After some time, he falls asleep
with his head in my
lap, but I keep on massaging his
temples, nuturing some
silly notion that somehow it
will keep his nightmares at
bay, for at least this
night. I close my eyes for what
seems like two minutes, and when
I open them, in repose, his
face has taken on the look of
the hunted.
I shudder and a familiar
coldness invades my body.
Ignoring the interloper,
instinctively, I command my
fingertips to try their best to
smooth away the worry
lines which have rooted
themselves in his feverish feeling
forehead with tenacious
precision. They're not
completely erased, once I'm
satisfied, but their softer
counterparts receive my lips in homage. When I hear him sigh,
I shut my stinging puffy, eyes
again.
"I could not leave you
alone if I tried, Mulder, and I
*have* tried, and yet I'm still
here," I whisper into
the vacuous darkness, and
thorougly realize where I want
to be. "Keeping you," I exhale, fatigue pinching the
corners of my mouth,
"mine...now and forever, world without
end,
amen..."
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